Who Ever Gets Over It?

At my bereavement group, I'm by far the youngest person in the room probably by a good twenty years.  Some wonder why I even attend a group that doesn't seem relatable to me but, to be honest with you, I really enjoying hearing their stories and what they have to say.  Grief has no age.  Even though they had more time with their loved one, that doesn't mean that deep down their grief is any different than mine.

But one of the members surprised me today. She made a comment about how the people in group had more time with their loved one but that because I was so much younger that I was more resilient and that I would eventually "get over it" and "move on" and meet someone new.  I was speechless but luckily our leader, Tom, stepped in quickly to remind her that grief affects each person in its own way and to not assume anything about another's grief.

The idea of "getting over" Jeff dying from lung cancer at 38 is absurd to me.  Whether or not I ever "move on" will have nothing to do with "getting over" his death.  His death will always be with me and it has changed me to my very core.  He is the love of my life and if he never died, I would be with him until the day I die.  Those were our vows.

Her husband died of lung cancer as well.  She seemed a little edgy today in group.  She snapped at a few of the other members too.  I wonder if she feels that I'm fortunate that I lost my husband at an early enough age to be able to "move on" because she wishes she was younger and could have another opportunity at love.  I hope she will realize, if she hasn't already, that she can still find love if she is interested.  Or maybe I'm completely wrong and shouldn't assume anything, just like she assumed I could "get over it."  We all know that when someone assumes something, they make an ass out of u and me.

Everyone has their own timeline for grief.  Some process it more quickly and may be ready to "get out there" or "move on" but always remember, that you do not walk in their shoes, you do not experience their constant roller coaster of emotions.  Widows and widowers become adept at hiding their true feelings in public and sometimes even lie to themselves. 

Just a few words of wisdom for anyone out there who encounters another who is grieving a loved one.  Never tell them they will get over it or even worse ask them when they will get over it.  They will never get over it.  It will be with them forever.  Just support them and be patient with them, do not judge them.  They are trying to navigate through one of the most traumatic experiences of their lives.