Monday, July 21, 2014

So Much Judgement

There are two schools of thought regarding widows and dating again.  Either they move on too soon or not soon enough.

Some people judge a widow for not moving on soon enough.  The "it's been [however much time they think is appropriate], you really need to move on" and the "I can't believe you're still so sad after all this time has passed, you really need to get over it and start living again" comments begin.

Then there are those who judge a widow or widower for getting into a relationship "too early."  This is interesting because "too early" for some is not the same for others.  Some people say it varies whether or not the widowed is young or old.  Again, I feel that one person's idea of "young or old" is different from another person's idea. 

I also read that it is tempting for a widowed person to try and "fill the gap of loneliness" by getting involved with another person as soon as possible and this involvement often does not result in more happiness, but in greater sadness.  It supposedly delays the grieving process.  I think that this could also vary.

There are just too many variables when it comes to passing judgment on the widowed.  All I know is my own experience, which is similar yet so different from other's experiences, because of all of the variables. 

I think a widowed person is so completely brave to move on just a couple of months after losing their spouse.  To take that leap of faith and to love so much again and risk the chance that something could happen to take away that great love is just so scary to me.

All I know is that there is a huge void that was left when Jeff died that I would desperately like to fill.  If the right person was to come along and I felt they could attempt to fill even a fraction of the void left by Jeff, I would hope that I would be brave enough and see that as an opportunity to take that chance instead of allowing the judgment of others to prevent me from feeling happy.

Just because a widowed person starts dating does not in any way mean that they no longer think of their dead spouse anymore.  It does not mean they are trying to replace their dead spouse.  It does not mean that they didn't love their dead spouse and continue to love their dead spouse and wish frequently to have one more day with their dead spouse.  All it means is that they are trying to be happy.  And if a person does or doesn't choose to move on, that is their choice, that is what they need to do for themselves.  They are on their own timeline, not anybody else's timeline.

Non-widowed people struggle in their daily lives and are not as harshly judged when they attempt to get into a relationship with someone they think might make them happy.  Why are the widowed judged just because they are widowed?  The widowed have already experienced the world not being fair to them, it's a further injustice to judge them.

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