Seven Months

It has been seven months today since Jeff died.  Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday and other times I can't believe that I've made it this far, that I've managed to continue moving and breathing without him.

The last present Jeff got me was a new IPhone.  It was supposed to be a Christmas present but I couldn't wait so he got it for me in early November.  Looking back, I'm glad he did because he went into the hospital about a week before Christmas and he had a moment of panic because he said that he didn't get anything for me for Christmas.  I reminded him about the IPhone and he visibly relaxed.  He died December 29th.

The only problem with having the new phone was that I don't have very many text messages from him.  What's even worse is that I only have one voicemail.  The text messages weren't very happy ones either since we found out and were treating the brain mets around Thanksgiving and he wasn't feeling very well.

Earlier this month I had a moment of panic because I felt like I couldn't quite remember his voice, his persona, his personality.  I felt like I couldn't feel him around anymore and that was the worst feeling.  Since my new IPhone doesn't have very many text messages I found my old IPhone and charged it and was able to look back at our text messages all the way back to 2011.  Reading those text messages between us filled me with a lot of different emotions.  I felt happy, nostalgic, sad, awestruck, and a great amount of love.  Overall though, I felt happy and loved. 

The texts he sent me were so awesome.  Most of them were about everyday things, usually revolving around what we were going to eat for dinner, but they were just so hilarious because he was so hilarious.  He had such a strong personality and reading through all of those text messages took me a couple hours, but for those couple hours, I felt like he was back by my side.  I could feel him around me again.  I could HEAR him in those text messages.  It brought me back to his love, especially the ones from 2011 and most of 2012 before he was diagnosed and when we were so carefree and light, from being newly engaged in 2011 and then the first months of marriage in 2012.  The love between us was palpable.  It was so strong and I could FEEL it reading those text messages.

Some people would avoid those kinds of feelings because it makes them sad.  Everybody deals with grief differently.  I'm going to be honest, I was a little sad, but it brought me back to being so very grateful; grateful that he chose me and loved me, grateful that I got to be the most important person in his life, grateful that I experienced him.  It reminded me of Rihanna's song "Only Girl."  My favorite lyrics are the chorus, "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, like I'm the only one that you'll ever love, like I'm the only one who knows your heart, only girl in the world..."  Jeff made me feel this way.

Even after these seven months without him, I still feel so lucky that his last ten years were spent with me, that I really did make him happy and that he made me happy, that we were so hilarious together, that our love really was so strong.  So many people never allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to allow such love in their lives, to love and be loved. 

Even if I never have a love like that again, I'm still grateful to have had it with him, that he made me feel like I was the only girl in his world.