I know I'm a teacher and I assign homework but I'm such a hypocrite because I don't like it when it's assigned to me. I had therapy a couple of days ago and after going through everything with "the roommate situation," I got a homework assignment.
My therapist was right when he said that all of this stuff with Jeff's parents and brother was just a distraction. Now that it's no longer distracting me, I can get to the real work of moving forward.
He asked me what I wanted and what would make me happy. When he asked me that, I was speechless for the first time. Usually when he asks me a question, I have an immediate response. This is the first time I've been speechless. And then I started crying. I had no idea why I was so emotional.
He told me that this would be a "homework" assignment.
I told my therapist I didn't like that homework assignment and that I probably wouldn't do it. Essentially, I came to the realization that I was afraid of it.
Then he asked me another question that made me cry even more. He asked me if I wanted to stay where I am right now, if I wanted to stay in this place and be stagnant.
I know I don't want to stay here in this anxiety ridden, unhappy place, but only I can do the work to move forward. But moving forward also means moving forward without Jeff and that's terrifying, that's full of guilt, that's just no good. But where I am now is no good, it's full of guilt, and it's terrifying too.
So these past couple of days, I started thinking. I have my dream job. I have a fantastic house. I have enough money to support myself. I have my family and my friends. I have everything I could want except someone to share it with.
I don't have a partner in life. I had the best partner in life, but he died.
So where do I go from here? All I want is my partner back. Since I can't have him back, what else do I want?
I'm stuck. I don't want anything else.
So I guess I have to keep doing my homework. I have to keep thinking about what I want and what would make me happy.
I know that this is the hardest homework assignment I've ever had. I also know that it is the most important homework assignment I've ever had. Did I mention already that I don't like homework.