Saturday, October 18, 2014


I know I'm a teacher and I assign homework but I'm such a hypocrite because I don't like it when it's assigned to me.  I had therapy a couple of days ago and after going through everything with "the roommate situation," I got a homework assignment.

My therapist was right when he said that all of this stuff with Jeff's parents and brother was just a distraction.  Now that it's no longer distracting me, I can get to the real work of moving forward. 

He asked me what I wanted and what would make me happy.  When he asked me that, I was speechless for the first time. Usually when he asks me a question, I have an immediate response. This is the first time I've been speechless.  And then I started crying.  I had no idea why I was so emotional.

He told me that this would be a "homework" assignment. 

I told my therapist I didn't like that homework assignment and that I probably wouldn't do it.  Essentially, I came to the realization that I was afraid of it.

Then he asked me another question that made me cry even more. He asked me if I wanted to stay where I am right now, if I wanted to stay in this place and be stagnant.

I know I don't want to stay here in this anxiety ridden, unhappy place, but only I can do the work to move forward.  But moving forward also means moving forward without Jeff and that's terrifying,  that's full of guilt, that's just no good.  But where I am now is no good, it's full of guilt, and it's terrifying too.

So these past couple of days, I started thinking.  I have my dream job.  I have a fantastic house.  I have enough money to support myself.  I have my family and my friends.  I have everything I could want except someone to share it with. 

I don't have a partner in life.  I had the best partner in life, but he died.

So where do I go from here?  All I want is my partner back.  Since I can't have him back, what else do I want?

I'm stuck.  I don't want anything else. 

So I guess I have to keep doing my homework.  I have to keep thinking about what I want and what would make me happy. 

I know that this is the hardest homework assignment I've ever had.  I also know that it is the most important homework assignment I've ever had.  Did I mention already that I don't like homework.

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