Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Roommate Situation Part 3

Jeff's brother officially moved out yesterday.  He's staying with a friend for a few days before he begins the drive to Texas in two days.

He left much sooner than I expected but I keep telling myself that this is a good thing.  We are both hurting so much.  It was very tense in the house.  He is still angry but I can tell he is trying to understand. 

I still feel terrible but am also tired of feeling so terrible and I'm ready to move on.  I'm tired of feeling guilty, tense, and unsure of what kind of situation I will encounter when I walk into my own house.  We have mainly been avoiding each other but there are times where it's inevitable to be in the house together and usually that involves some really deep conversation that is tense and most often angry.  We are both trying to express to the other how much we are hurting.

Strangely enough, this has been so terrible that I am actually looking forward to the next horrible emotion, loneliness. 

I am still very anxious about being alone but I'm trying to handle it as best I can.  I have tried to come up with coping skills.  I know that it is going to be difficult and I will definitely have lots of bad days but I will survive.  It will get easier.  I will get through it.  I have to do the work by myself.

Surprisingly, we are both so hurt yet we are having a hard time letting go of each other.  I was not expecting him to contact me once he decided to stay with his friend before he went to Texas but he has been texting and calling.  He wants to say goodbye one last time before he leaves.  He also left a couple of things here that he still wants so he needs to pick them up before he goes.

He is an introvert and doesn't communicate well, which was one of the biggest problems I had living with him, so I'm not expecting him to reach out to me very often once he is back in Texas.  From my experience with him, he is very "out of sight, out of mind."  I hated it before but am kind of glad he's like that right now.

I know I need to not have contact with him for a while.  I feel like I am extremely co-dependent and I know that I need to break away in order to become truly independent again.  Once he is on his way to Texas, I plan on deleting his phone number from my phone.  That way I will not be tempted to "check up" on him and find out how the drive is going, how he's settling in, how he's doing, what the weather is like, what he had for dinner, etc. 

I am a big girl.  I can live alone.  I can do it.  I have nothing to be afraid of.  But I will definitely not be watching any "Criminal Minds," "Dateline," or scary movies for a while.  Let's take it one step at a time.

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