Saturday, November 29, 2014

11 Months

I can't believe it's been 11 months since my husband died.  I feel like he was just here yesterday but when I look at the two full notebooks I've filled journaling and this blog, I can't believe that I've survived this long without him.

If you haven't picked up on this from my past blogs I tend to be a bit of a planner, others may call it controlling.  I'm gearing up for holiday season and the one year mark.  So far I've survived Thanksgiving.

I'm trying to prepare myself for this next month, which I've heard and read is going to be pretty tough.  I have to get through finals and grades for my students.  Jeff went into the hospital right before finals week and on grade day was when I got the call from the doctors recommending hospice.  I feel like I could have a little bit of post traumatic stress related to all of that.  I'm trying to remember that anxiety is just the fear of being afraid.

So I've scheduled some things I'm hoping will help me get through this next month. I will be going to my bereavement group, I have an appointment with my therapist, I scheduled a facial, and I'm trying something new called emotional release technique.

But I've also been thinking a lot about birth and death.  This may sound crazy, but I feel they are very similar in a couple aspects.

They say that a new parent can never truly be ready for a child.  They can plan and prepare but until that child takes it's first breath, no preparation or planning can prepare that parent enough. It is a turning point, a life changing moment.

I feel the same about the death of my husband. No planning or preparation could have prepared me for his last breath and the aftermath of that moment.  The years that follow are a mystery just like the aftermath of a birth and the first breath of a newborn.

No one can predict, plan, or prepare for what's ahead when it comes to a birth or a death, even when we know they are inevitable.  We just have to get through and do the best we can and hope it's enough.

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