I'm Not Sorry For Letting You Down

I can't take credit for this title.  I stole it from here.

This article put into words what I've been feeling these last few months.  I know I've been letting people down who are important to me.

I know that I have chosen other things over them and it's now being directly told to me that I have let them down with those choices.  They feel not included, left out, and left behind.  They are hurt.

I feel bad of course.  I feel guilty.  But I am not sorry.  We are all walking our own paths and trying to navigate a new life without Jeff and I get slapped in the face with that constantly because I lived with him; he was my best friend; my world revolved around him.

Other people feel his loss as well.  His death affected them but maybe not to the extent that their entire life changed like mine did.  They are still relatively the same, they didn't fall asleep next to him or wake up next to him, but that doesn't negate the fact that they miss him and grieve and hurt as well.

They may be relatively unchanged, but I have been drastically altered.  I am not the same person anymore.

Some people crave the person I was before he died.  They want the old me back.  They want me to do the same things I did while he was alive, they want me to act the same way I did when he was still here.  Granted, there are still some things I do that are the same but there is so much that has changed.

Unfortunately, the person I was when Jeff was alive died with Jeff but some people can't see that because my physical body is still walking around talking, laughing, and living.  I do understand where they are coming from though.  We all have experienced this huge loss with Jeff being gone and it's so hard to bear the thought of losing anything else so I get it when they are trying to cling to the old me.  But, they also need to understand that I am not the same person anymore.

People who have experienced such a deep loss understand that we are not the same anymore. Stephanie Zamora who wrote "I'm Not Sorry For Letting You Down" said it perfectly: 

"Trying to live up to the measurements of the person I was before. Trying to hold everything together and still be the friend, daughter, sibling, and person they once knew. But I’m not that person anymore, and I’m so very tired...I’m not sorry I didn’t respond to your email as quickly as you’d have liked, or that I didn’t listen to your voicemail. I’m not sorry I’ve been MIA when it comes to hanging out, or I completely missed that text message you sent over the weekend. I’m not sorry that I can’t be the person you need or want me to be in any given moment, for any given situation. I’m not sorry that I chose to sit at home with my cats rather than “rallying” for whatever fun thing you wanted me to do with you. I’m not sorry that sometimes I’m too tired or sad or overwhelmed to give you 100%.  I’m not sorry I’m not who I was before.  I’m not sorry because I know I’m doing the best that I can, and someone has to step up and take care of me. Someone has to take a stand for my healing and grieving and the person I am today. I’m not sorry that the person I am isn’t the person you expect me to be. I’m just not sorry."

She of course goes on to say that this does not excuse lazy or disrespectful behavior but just the overwhelming grief and guilt we might feel sometimes, which sucks us down that deep, dark hole of misery.

I have finally gotten strong enough to not be sorry for letting others down when I am trying to move forward.  I am desperately trying to be happy.  Doing some of the things that I did with Jeff doesn't make me happy and doing them just to make others happy is not good for my soul.

So I'm not sorry for letting you down, at least when it involves taking care of my soul.