Another Vegas Birthday Trip

I just got back from the annual Vegas Birthdays Trip.

I've mentioned before that Jeff and his friends always go to Las Vegas for multiple birthdays among his friends and now my friends. Unfortunately, this year it was hard to correlate everyone so it was only a very small group of people who went.

It was a ton of fun as usual but I also had a bit of a panic attack the last night we were there.  We were eating dinner at a table outside and there was a huge Halloween Costume contest happening down the way so there were a lot of people walking around in costumes and we were enjoying the sights.  Then, I started feeling a lot of anxiety so I sat with it like my therapist taught me and tried to figure out what was causing it.

I finally realized that it was the 29th and the last time I was in Vegas this close to Halloween and seeing all the costumes was the weekend after Jeff's birthday when he was first diagnosed.  I would say that even though I didn't consciously remember those two specific things, my subconscious definitely did.  I did some meditative breathing and continued to sit with my anxiety.  It continued to ebb and flow and at one point I left the table to try to get away from the overwhelming noise and sights.  But, it's Vegas so there really isn't anywhere to go that isn't loud and visually overwhelming.  I went back to the table and started texting Wyoming.  He reinforced that I was okay, that I needed to try and just breathe and relax.  After a while, the anxiety faded and I was able to enjoy the rest of the night.

Now being home, I remind myself that I need to be patient and understanding with my grief.  It's been almost three years since Jeff died, but there are still certain triggers that bring me back to that awful place of his diagnosis, treatment, and eventual death.

I still feel I have made tremendous progress and know that this little episode does not send me back to the starting point of my grief.  I know that I felt that way during my panic attack.  I felt like I was spiraling down and all the hard work I've done over these last years was gone.  But that's the anxiety, the grief, and the panic talking.  I implemented all of the advice from my therapist and didn't distract myself.  I sat with that anxiety and tried to figure out where it was coming from and felt exceptionally uncomfortable.  But, like my therapist always says, the body cannot remain at that adrenaline-filled state forever.  Eventually, the heart rate slows and the shakiness and nauseous dissipate.

I felt a sense of triumph that I was able to overcome it and beat it in a way.  Typing this now and reliving it has brought some of that anxiety back.  My heart rate has quickened and I feel a little shaky, but, deep down, I know that it will pass.  This too shall pass.  It always does.