End of Life Option

Last time I saw my mom she talked to me about the End of Life option.  I knew she had applied for the program but didn't know that she had already been approved and that the medication was in the house.  She hasn't made a decision yet of whether or not she will actually use it but it is now a concrete option.

I think this program is an awesome option for people who are in my mom's condition.  My mom has a progressive neurodegenerative disease.  There is no cure.  There is no remission.  There is no hope for a recovery and normal life again.  She just continues to go down hill.  She can no longer walk, use the restroom, dress herself, and sometimes she can't even feed herself.  Her speech is so difficult to understand now that hospice gave her a talking device that she can type on or she uses her eyes to control it.  She can no longer be left alone for more than an hour.

I feel that in these kinds of situations, when a disease is terminal and there is only suffering left, people should have the option to control when and how they leave this earth.

But I was still a little surprised that it's not just talk for my mom now, it's a reality.  I think my dad is very brave for supporting her.  I told Jeff in the end that it was ok to go but I didn't say it until just a few hours before he died.  My dad is standing by my mom's side telling her that it's ok for her to go.  I'm unbelievably proud of him and his strength.

I told her that I support her and understand her decision if she does choose to use the End of Life medication.  I feel that my experience in letting go of Jeff helped me deal with these types of feelings.  I need to be unselfish enough to allow my mother to choose to leave.  It is her life, her decision.  As she said, she is having more bad days than good days and her quality of life is decreasing rapidly.

I'm not sure how I would feel if Jeff had chosen an End of Life option.  With Jeff's cancer, I always felt that there was hope.  With so much research, there is always a new drug out there or about to be out there for the public to try.  With MSA, being such a rare and misunderstood disease, when even doctors and nurses need it explained to them by non-medical people like my family, there isn't hope that a new drug will be ready to try soon.  There is very little research being done on MSA.  Not very many options are available.

I would hope that I would have been standing by Jeff's side supporting him and his decisions if he would have chosen the End of Life option, just like my father is standing by my mother's side.  My parent's continue to be a model of a truly loving and supportive relationship.

There is something so strange when someone close to you has a terminal illness.  There is nothing more sad than watching your loved one deteriorate and leave this earth, but I have tried my absolute very best to see the positive in the situation.  Not only is it excruciatingly sad, but it also allows the soul to elevate and become more than it was before. I try to not be as selfish and realize that I'm not the one dying, it's not about me.  I'm allowed to say what I feel I need to say and hear what I hope I need to hear before they are gone. 

These lessons are a gift that can be pushed away and cause anger, hurt, and regression.  Or they can be a gift that is embraced, which allows for regeneration into a better overall human being.  I try every day for the latter now that I've lost Jeff and I'm losing my mother.  It is very difficult though.