Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Mom Keeps Asking

Anytime Wyoming comes up in conversation with my mom, she asks me what my future plans are.  I tell her I don't know.

It's hard as a widow to plan for the future.  We think more in minutes when the death of our spouse is brand new, then it can transition into days, weeks, months even, but it's really hard to plan out years in advance because the trauma and experience we have of losing our life partner makes it difficult to plan for the future.  We had a plan.  But it all changed when our loved one died.

I try sometimes to think about what I want for the future.  The only definitive answer I can come up with is that I want to be happy.  I don't think about who will necessarily be in my life in order to make me happy because, unfortunately as we very well know, people can come and go with a blink of an eye.  I know that I have to make myself happy.

I also think about how long it took me to marry Jeff.  We dated for seven years before we decided to finally get married.  Because I am not planning on having children, I do not feel in any rush to remarry.  I am financially secure, own my own home, and feel like my life has settled into it's new normal.  I feel pretty steady and am enjoying life as much as I can right now.

I do know that Wyoming is helping me enjoy life.  It's been almost two years since we started dating.  We have yet to make a definitive plan on when he will move here and I am perfectly comfortable with our current long distance situation.  It's other people who seem to be baffled at my situation, including my mom, which I do feel bad about.  I know she wants me settled before she dies but I can't make any promises to her.  I have a hard time making promises to myself. 

All I know is that I am as happy as I can be right now.  I'm happy with my job, my house, my social circle, spending as much quality time with my mom before she's gone, and with my current situation with Wyoming.

I don't mind that my mom keeps asking.  She ensures that I reflect and consider what I truly want, even if I won't plan anything.  It scares me to think that she will not be around to ask me one day, just like it scared me to think about the day Jeff would no longer be here.

Even though I can't answer my mom's questions, I hope she keeps asking.

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