Anger vs. Gratitude

The five stages of grief in no specific order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

I want to talk about anger today.  Now for most people, cancer and anger are synonymous. I never experienced anger. Not when my husband was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer on his own 37th birthday, not when he was sickened and weakened by radiation and chemo over and over, and so far, not since he took his last breath and his heart beat for the last time December 29, 2013.  Now I'm not saying that I will never experience anger in this ridiculous journey called grief, I'm just saying I haven't experienced it yet.  And I am very well aware that I'm practically still at the starting line of my own grief marathon.

The one thing I am realizing through all of my extensive research, hearing, and reading of all things grief related is that my husband's death, although way too sudden, was still something we knew was on the horizon.  We were hoping distant horizon but we could see it looming nonetheless.  This allowed us to truly appreciate our relationship and each other.  I always thought that we had a strong relationship before cancer but our relationship grew tenfold after cancer rained on our parade.  I was allowed the opportunity to tell him everything I needed to tell him, I left nothing unsaid.  I was also allowed the opportunity to hear everything I needed to hear from him.  I feel complete in knowing I was his world as he was mine.

So these last couple weeks I feel no anger, I only feel gratitude.  Gratitude that he chose ME to be by his side until the very end, through richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, till death really did do us part. Gratitude that even though we only had 10 years together, those 10 years were filled with a true connection, a bond I've been told others have never experienced in their lives.  Hearing people speak of our love and commitment to each other at his celebration of life, it was evident that others were in awe of our relationship and saw it as something to strive for in their own lives.  I had no idea the impact we made on others, all I knew was our impact on each other.  I have no regrets.  I loved my husband, tumors and all.  The pain I'm experiencing now and the pain I know will continue in the future is so worth what we had.  Knowing what I know now, I would still do it all over again.  He is worth every ounce of suffering I have endured and I will continue to endure in the future.  I am so grateful that he chose me.  I am so grateful for our life together.  I  am so grateful that I experienced a love, a connection so strong that it rocked me to my core.  And with him gone, a void so massive has been created, but I still have no regrets.  I only have gratitude.

But don't get me wrong, I still hate cancer for making me a widow.