The Past Is Just a Story We Tell Ourselves

I haven't been to the movies by myself since we moved into our house five years ago.  The other day, I went to the movies by myself.  I went and saw "Her."  It's essentially a story about trying to make an intimate connection.  The main character makes a connection with an operating system.  He doesn't do it intentionally, the relationship just evolves.  I felt like I could completely relate.

I am alone and I feel like my soul is desperately missing the connection I had with not only my lover, but more importantly, with my best friend.  The person who knew me inside and out, who knew all my little idiosyncrasies, who knew my irritations and obsessions, who knew how to handle me when I was whiney or bitchy, who always knew the right things to say to talk me off the ledge and to calm me down when I was overreacting.  I desperately miss my best friend, my other half.  I used to think people were so cheesy when they would ask "where's your other half?"  But I get it now that my other half is gone.

I also get how widows and widowers sometimes don't wait very long to get into another relationship. It probably has nothing to do with how little they loved their partner that passed but more to do with how much they loved being part of a whole.  They are searching and grieving not only their loved one, but also the loss of that intimate connection they once had. I love my husband dearly but I can feel my soul searching and yearning for that connection that has disappeared. But I also know myself. Even if I were able to find someone I could tolerate, eventually all I'd feel is anger towards them because they are ultimately not Jeff.  They would not respond to me the way he did, not because they wouldn't be trying, but simply because they are not him, there will never be another him.

"The past is just a story we tell ourselves."  I loved this line from the movie.  My husband was not a saint and the stories I tell of him are usually not the most flattering.  I tend to tell the stories that are the most hilarious and he was a hilarious man so there are so many.  But this line from the movie could not be more true.  The past is a story.  Sometimes, stories evolve and change as we tell and retell them.