April 29th

Today marks four months of Jeff being gone.  I've heard grief gets worse before it gets better, especially in the early stages.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of grief.  I wake up knowing Jeff is gone.  I get ready and see only one towel on the rack and know it, I go to work knowing it, I go to sleep alone definitely knowing it, and I wake up knowing it.  But others don't live it everyday because they didn't live with him everyday.  They go about their normal routines and then certain triggers or events hit them and they are plunged into grief.  That's how it is for my sister's husband.

My sister and her husband starting dating around the same time Jeff and I started dating.  The boys forged their friendship as they were forging their relationships with me and my sister.  They saw each other almost every weekend at family events or socializing with our circle of friends.  Now, my brother in law doesn't have his best friend on the weekends and it's tearing him up.  Of course my brother in law saw his life with us in it forever, having babies and our babies growing up together and all of us spending weekends together.  Now, his dream is shattered and he relives it every weekend, whereas I live it every day. My grief is constant.  I have ebbs and flows, but most of the time, my grief is constant.  I'm constantly aware and hurting.  But I think others have dramatic ebbs and flows and the wound is viciously ripped open over and over again for them.  I slowly bleed every day, my brother in law gushes on the weekends.  I don't know which is worse and to be honest with you, now that I think about it, does it really even matter?  I know people would consider the widow having it worse but I think the best friend might have it just as bad.

I am constantly reminded about how much Jeff affected others.  People will text me or email me and ask how I'm doing and tell me how much they are hurting, how much they are missing him.  This reminds me that I am not alone in my grief, that others are hurting just as bad, that they're life will also never be the same now that he is gone.  For some reason, this brings me comfort, knowing I'm not alone in my grief.  We are all hurt by the void that was created when Jeff died.  We all experience bleeding.  None of us have it any better or worse.  I'm realizing more and more that grief is grief, no matter what or who you are grieving.