Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Family Trip

I recently went on a trip with my in-laws to go visit one of Jeff's uncle's who lives right outside of Yosemite.  It was a trip that we had planned to take last November but had to be cancelled once we discovered that the cancer had spread to Jeff's brain and he needed to undergo whole brain radiation.

It was a fun yet difficult trip.  I had never been to Yosemite so it was something that I was excited about seeing.  It was nice to spend time with the family, although most of the stories I heard while visiting were all stories I'd heard before.  For some reason this disappointed me instead of bringing me comfort.  I'm surprised because it should bring me comfort not finding out anything new, knowing that I know all the things there are to know about him, but for some reason, finding out something new about my husband who I already knew so much about would maybe mean that I was still learning about him, that he was still growing, changing, evolving, and ultimately, still living.

It was difficult because this is the first time I have visited family, whether it be mine or Jeff's, without him.  I had a room all by myself.  That was lonely.  I packed a bag just for myself (I always packed for Jeff, even in the beginning of our relationship) and that was sad.  I had no one to go over the days events or the next days plans and commiserate with.  I miss the secret, knowing, communicative glances someone has with their ultimate partner, companion, lover.  It was so weird going on a trip with his family without him.  I missed sharing toiletries and packing his bag and sharing a room and talking over the days events with him at night.  I missed being part of a couple.

I did bring some of Jeff with me.  This was a trip we had planned to take before he died so I thought it only necessary that he come along.  There are going to be so many more trips.  I'm hoping that with each passing trip that it will not hurt as bad and the longing and yearning and ache will dissipate.  I hate that cancer took away this person who meant so much to me, that I shared so much of myself and my life with, that he is gone forever.

I talk to him everyday, and I definitely talked to him while I was on this trip but it was, is, and always will be a one-sided conversation.  Sometimes I imagine I can hear his voice and know how he would respond but everyone knows that it's not the same.  I miss his voice and his hugs, his safety and his comfort, I miss his smile and his eyes, and most of all, I miss his love.

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