Grief and Food

I am a food lover.  I have always loved food.  It used to drive Jeff crazy when we would be eating breakfast and I would ask him what he wanted for dinner.  He couldn't believe as we were eating one meal that I was already thinking two meals ahead, but that's just how I've always been.

I've also always been a fat and happy kind of girl.  I find food to be the epitome of love and happiness.  I enjoy cooking and baking for others.  I enjoy nourishing those that I love.  I prefer to eat in groups and celebrate life and each other through food.

Anytime anything was stressful or traumatic in my life I lost interest in food.  I would lose weight and it was ironic that I was complimented on how great I looked physically when I was feeling my absolute worst emotionally.

When Jeff died, I, of course, lost interest in food.  Food was such a huge part of our life.  I usually made dinner 4-5 times a week for us and I loved the idea that he was coming home from a long day of delivering packages for UPS to a hot, home-cooked meal, made by me with love.

He had just started getting in to cooking the last few years we were together.  He had a couple of signature dishes he liked to make and one of my favorite pictures of him is when he was standing over a big pot of his spaghetti sauce with a huge smile on his face.

Every fall, spring, or summer break I was on, he would try and take a week off of work and that was when we would plan on going to all of our favorite restaurants and delis that we didn't go to while we were working.  I was definitely fat and happy.

I tried my best to heal him through food after he was diagnosed.  I bought a cancer fighting cookbook and tried all kinds of new and crazy recipes.  I started making him these crazy organic smoothies that he absolutely hated.  So after he died, I had no motivation to cook.  I had tried so hard to save him through food and failed.  Plus, there wasn't anyone to cook for.  I used to be so creative and try all kinds of new recipes and that passion was just gone.

But at least I was eating since Jeff's parents were with me the first couple months and his mom did all the cooking.  Then when they moved out, Jeff's brother moved in and I was cooking for him but the real joy of cooking was gone.  What I used to find so enjoyable and a form of mediation just turned into a chore.

When Jeff's brother moved out, I had a really hard time cooking because there really wasn't anyone to cook for other than myself and cooking for just me was never something I enjoyed.  I always cooked for a crowd and any of our friends can attest that Jeff and I definitely ate like we were a crowd.  It was funny though that I would still grocery shop like I was still feeding a crowd.  I was on autopilot maybe, still buying food like I had someone to cook for.  So after a few months of that my pantry and freezer were packed and that was a sad sight because I knew that nobody was eating any of it.

What began to get me out of my rut is a meal program called Blue Apron.  It sends all of the ingredients needed for three meals a week to my house complete with a recipe card.  This has allowed me to go through the motions of cooking creatively but without all the thinking and planning.  I have enjoyed using Blue Apron and feel like it has helped me tremendously by just getting me back in the kitchen and allowing me to regain those skills and use those muscles again and it feels good.

I still have a hard time being creative and thinking of things to cook on my own.  I'm better now and I am actually looking at new recipes again but I still don't have the motivation to actually make them unless it's a Blue Apron meal.  I just save them in a pile on my counter top hoping one day I will find that motivation again and have a passion for creative cooking.

I am hopeful that I will one day get back into it on my own.  It helps that Wyoming is a real foodie too but he is the one who enjoys doing all the cooking and I have just been letting him do it all when we are together.  I am letting someone else nourish me and I can see how happy it makes him, just like how happy it made me to nourish Jeff.