Divorce, Death, and Lessons Learned

A couple that I have recently been spending more and more time with was married over the summer.  She works with me at my post-Jeff, teaching job.  She had expressed that they were going to start to try and have a baby soon.  Unfortunately, she just found out that her husband has been cheating on her.  She has only told me and one other mutual friend because she hasn't decided if she is going to seek a divorce or attempt to work it out, not even her family knows.  They are still going to travel across the country to visit his family over the holidays like nothing is wrong. 

I was devastated at hearing her news.  I immediately felt for her because I remember the day we found out that Jeff had stage iv lung cancer.  It was a life altering day.  I know the minute she found out that her husband was cheating was also a life altering day for her as well.

I think that her road will be harder than mine though.  I know that's a strange concept but there was really no decision I had to make, there was no doubt about what happened to Jeff.  I was not confused or betrayed by him.  He was simply gone.

She has to decide if she wants her husband to be gone from her life.  She may always have doubt about whether her decision is the right decision or not.  There will always be another opportunity to attempt to repair their relationship if she decides to leave or to leave the relationship if she decides to stay.  Those kinds of life altering decisions can be paralyzing, especially when closure may be more difficult to come by.

The old me (before learning so many lessons after Jeff's death) would have judged her and demanded that she leave him.  How dare she allow someone to disrespect her like that.  I would have harassed, badgered, and hounded her to think the way I think and do what I think would be best for her life.

I'm just trying to be there for her right now.  I'm proud of myself for just listening, giving my honest opinion, presenting potential scenarios, and then letting it go.  She has thanked me for not judging her and just supporting her.  I told her that I was a different person before Jeff died, that I would have judged her and harassed her to leave her husband.  She said she's glad that I'm not like that anymore and I told her I was glad I'm not like that anymore too, but it took my husband's death to learn those lessons.

I ache for the pain and turmoil that she's feeling, especially during the holidays.  I definitely know pain during the holidays.  These kinds of life altering moments will always be remembered.  With Jeff's three-year anniversary approaching, it's a further reminder that grief comes in many different ways.