Leading Up to Three Years

This is the week before finals week for my students.  This is the week Jeff went into the hospital.  He went in Thursday morning because a tumor on his adrenal gland burst and he was in an enormous amount of pain and went into septic shock Wednesday night.

I've been thinking a lot about the days leading up to that week three years ago.  I remember we had finished up with whole brain radiation and his headaches had finally stopped.  He was feeling a lot better since he didn't need all of the pain meds and the steroids gave him a huge appetite.

These memories make me sad but they aren't really disrupting my life or causing an enormous amount of pain.  I haven't cried yet and I haven't had a major anxiety attack.  I'm pretty calm, which is huge growth I think.  The previous two years I have been affected terribly leading up to the anniversary of Jeff's death.  I'm hoping I won't lose it, but it's also hard because I have a little bit of guilt that I'm not losing it.  It's that good old guilt monster showing up again.

I think I am utilizing the skills I've learned over the last few years.  I am not avoiding these memories and I'm not distracting myself from them.  I'm just sitting with them.  I'm planning ahead and not overbooking or stressing out with all of the things that need to be done during the holiday season.  I joined weight watchers to help me maintain my weight and focus on healthy eating, I am keeping up with my regular exercise routine, I am saying yes to the things I want to participate in, and I'm saying no to the things I don't really want to participate in.  I am being very good with time management and making sure that I am not procrastinating with deadlines and allowing myself some downtime as well.

I think overall, I am doing a pretty good job so far.  I'm hoping that the other shoe doesn't drop, especially with my mom on hospice.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.