Every year, Jeff would shake his head at me when I would come home from my parent's house after a 10 hour day, covered in flour and exhausted from making so many holiday treats only to wake up and do it again the next day and the next day and the next day. I didn't make any Christmas treats the year Jeff got sick and I haven't made them since. I don't find any joy in it anymore. My sister has since taken over that tradition.
My immediate family would have a big Christmas Eve dinner and then the extended family would come over around 10 am Christmas morning to have breakfast and not leave until close to 11 pm after the presents were opened and lunch and dinner were served. Christmas in my family truly is a marathon.
Jeff was always blown away at my family's Christmas traditions. The first Christmas he spent at my family's house, after a couple of hours, he wondered why we were still there. I explained to him that we had at least another 10 hours or so and the look on his face was priceless. He said his family Christmas lasted no more than 3 hours.
The noise and commotion of over 30 people running around the house overwhelmed him. He actually had to go sit in the corner of the garage (which was the only quiet place in the house) by himself and get some quiet time that first year. I love telling that story to people. He eventually got used to the long Christmas at my family's house but I don't think he ever really enjoyed it.
After Jeff died, the noise and commotion of over 30 people running around the house overwhelmed me and I found myself holed up in the back bedroom of my parent's house overcome with anxiety. These last couple of years have been better, especially when I had to take on more responsibility for planning and helping my parent's host Christmas once my mom got sick.
Since Jeff died around Christmas, Christmas has taken on a new meaning to me, it is a bit tainted because there is so much trauma and pain surrounding it. Now with Mom gone as well, we are trying to maintain all of the traditions that she created but that in itself is also painful.
Ironically, thinking about how Jeff has changed Christmas for me right now brings a little smile to my face because Jeff always hated Christmas. His father experienced many traumatic things around Christmas in his own childhood and Jeff's dad worked in the grocery business so Christmas was always long hours and stress for him, so I think Jeff saw Christmas as more of a negative thing growing up.
Then when Jeff started working for UPS at nineteen years old, Christmas always signified exhaustion and stress to him as well. Maybe Jeff got his revenge on Christmas finally. For some reason that brings a little smile to my face and I just have to say, well done Jeff, well done.
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