Right around this time can be hard for me. The end of the semester is always difficult because teachers are finalizing grades and giving finals while dealing with very demanding students and parents who want to know what they can do before final grades are due to improve their grades. Plus all of the regular holiday stresses.
On top of all of that, Jeff started whole brain radiation right around Thanksgiving, he also went into the hospital right before finals week and stayed in the hospital during finals week only to come home the day after the semester ended. He died December 29th.
On top of all of this stress, I'm really being affected by this being the first holidays without my mom. I've just been plowing through. I haven't been taking the time to reflect and meditate. I haven't taken the time to sit with my feelings and memories. I think I've just been pushing them down and expecting to deal with them later because I've been so busy. And let's be honest, dealing with sad and difficult feelings and memories is painful and nobody wants to deal with pain, especially around the holidays.
I need to refocus so I don't lose my mind and have a total breakdown. Not only am I dealing with the grief from Jeff still, but now I'm also dealing with the grief of losing my mother.
I miss the days before death and illness affected my life, when I could truly celebrate the holidays with no sadness. I miss the naivete and innocence of my past.