Last Day of the Semester

The last day of the semester is always bittersweet for me.  It's such a great day because grades are done, staff and students are happy because we are about to embark on a three week break, and the holidays are upon us.  The students are filled with joy and excitement. Their attitudes are contagious.

But then I'm always brought back to this same day four years ago where I was giving out final grades to my students and I got the phone call from the doctor at the hospital telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff and that it was time for hospice.  He came home a couple of days before Christmas Eve and died December 29th, 2013.

I try to enjoy the holidays and this time of year.  I'm looking forward to Christmas and celebrations with family and friends, watching my nieces open their presents, and getting ready for the New Year.  But I can't help but be sad.  I can't help but think about the pain and heartbreak I felt then.  It was such a traumatic time for me four years ago.  The first year after, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. With time, the pain and sadness have been less sharp.   Every year I have found more and more happiness and the sadness has lessened and I hope as time goes by that this pain and sadness continues to dull.   But I also know that it will never completely go away.  What I have experienced has changed me.

When I think about Jeff's birthday, our wedding anniversary, and other milestones, it's easier for me to remember happy times.  But getting that phone call saying that death was imminent for my husband, I cannot think of anything to be grateful for or happy about regarding that day.  It only brings back pain.  I want to push it down and forget it.  I want to ignore it and pretend it never happened.  But I also want to heal and healing only comes through acknowledgement and dealing with it, not denying it or avoiding it.

I'm happy and excited for my three week break and making it through another semester.  But my husbands death mars it every year and it always will.