Thursday, October 5, 2017

Another Birthday

I turned 38 on September 22, the same age Jeff was when he died.  I think about that sometimes.  He only got 38 years, who knows how many more I'll get.  He died about 2 months after he turned 38.

Wyoming took me to a little private resort on an island off the coast of Belize for my birthday.  It was absolutely fantastic and a great way to celebrate my birthday.  I'm lucky to have him in my life.

I still think about Jeff every day.  I wonder sometimes what our life would be like if he never got cancer, if he was still alive.  Would I have made the switch to another school?  Would we have been pressured to have a baby?  I think about how he would have handled watching my mom during her illness and how he would have responded to her death.  Would we have traveled as much as I have traveled with Wyoming in the past 3 and a half years?

It's crazy to sit and think about some of these kinds of questions, the road your life is on and how certain blocks and barriers and choices affect your journey.  Sometimes I think that once I make it 2 months after my 38th birthday, I feel like it is borrowed time since Jeff didn't get more time.  When I think these thoughts, it reminds me that I need to live a full and happy life.  I think about how I need to make the best out of every situation since Jeff didn't get the same opportunity, I don't want to squander the extra time that he didn't get.  I don't think I have as much guilt about moving forward (I say that now, and hope that my guilt monster isn't scheming to wage war against me) and being happy.

Jeff's 42nd birthday is coming up October 24th and we aren't planning to go to Las Vegas as of now.  This may be the first year since he's been gone that I won't celebrate Jeff's birthday in Las Vegas.  His friends decided to finally switch it up and went to Denver last year instead of Vegas.  I don't know what they are planning for this year.  It makes me a little sad but I also feel ok about it.  Everybody moves forward at some point in time.  We can't live in the past, we have to do what is right for us in the present, even if it means giving up decades old traditions.

Another birthday without Jeff.  I know he's wishing me a happy birthday and is smiling down on me with that big goofy grin of his.

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